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Happy or not, depends on others? 2014/03/20

Posted by what2believe 光靈 in English articles, 兩性關係.
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Whether you can be happy in your love relationship depends completely on how your partner treats you, if your partner treats you better, you will naturally be happier, vice versa.

Is that really the case?

In love relationship, we usually depend wittingly or unwittingly on our partner’s behavior for the feeling of being cherished and happiness.  If your partner asks you why you lose your temper, yourtypical answer might be  : “You are the one who caused my bad temper, only when you stop treating me like that, stop doing this or that, my bad temper will be gone!” You further raise your voice and say: “You decide whether I can be happy or not, if you love me enough, I will not suffer as much, I will then be much happier.  See what you have done to me!”

After that, your partner believes what you said and does something to please you on purpose, your relationship seems to improve a bit as a result.  Yet, you soon begin to see that there are still lots of room your partner can further improve himself/herself, you think you can be even happier if your partner is willing to do a bit more of those you think he/she should.  When you realize that your partner’s behaviors go against what you think they should be, in other words, your partner becomes who he/she originally was, you immerse yourself once again in negative emotion.

Once you think other people are responsible for your happiness, you have already handed over the governing power over your happiness to other people, this way, you have given up being the master of your own emotion.  Your such mentality puts you in a passive state of total reliance on others for happiness as if you were leaning in 45 degrees on someone else, you lose your balance whenever the other person makes a move, for your center of being is already subject to people outside of you.

In fact, you can never have complete control over what others do to you, you can never predict at each moment how your partner thinks, does and chooses. When you unconsciously relinquish your governing power over your emotion, any senses of happiness felt can only be fleeting, for you will almost begin to worry once you feel happy.

Actually, it only takes your determination to regain control over your happiness, that is to simply be responsible for your own feeling.  Promise yourself like that: “No matter what your partner does or not do to you, your emotion will not be affected by that, for you are the master of your own emotion,no one but you can decide your response to what happens outside of you.  Emotion is simply a physical response to thoughts, once you can change your habitual mindset and let go of your inherent notions, you can then change completely your perspective and response to the external world.”  You will then realize, everything you believed to be the cause of your unhappiness has not changed, real change takes place only in the angle from which you see people and things outside of you, as a result, your emotion will no longer be easily triggered by any external factors.

If you have practiced this enough, you will find it much easier to maintain in a state of peace and balance all by yourself in face of stimulation from the outside world, you will not be so easily affected by & emotionally attached to anything that happens around you.  Next time, when your partner does something used to be unacceptable to you, your emotion may still likely be triggered once again, yet you will be aware much sooner that you can be the master of your own emotion by being an observer of the actual situation rather than coloring the situation with your thoughts as you did before, you will find it much easier and faster to return to your normal state of being and be at ease. This way, you willbe able to cope with the external situation to attain the effect truly desirable to you no matter what happens.

Whether you can be happy or not depends on nothing outside of you, but yourself.

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