I am a guy at my mid-age. When I was younger, I used to think that I was a thinker, I was actually quite proud of that thought especially when someone also labeled me as so. It was not until quite recently that I realized my thinking mind was indeed a cause of my sufferings which caused me to literally wake up to discover that I can still be me without the mind uncontrollably interfering.
It was about 30 years ago that I first felt deeply depressed for about 2 months for no obvious reason, I still remember that I had to hesitate every day if I should go to work and procrastinated each morning until the very last minute to enter the place I worked. However, it was in no way comparable to the intensity of what happened about 20 years ago when I was literally shut down by severe depression symptoms. My depression was triggered by the overwhelming pressures that I kept adding to myself when I was working a general manager at that time for a company. After sensing the outbreak of my depression, I felt like I could not even cross a street by myself and found it very hard to properly communicate with my 4-year-old son at that time, not to mention the heavy duties and pressures I had to take every day for my job.
After consulting with doctors for 1 time, I decided not to rely on medication as I feared the side effects so caused and decided to walk the healing journey all on my own. It was about 9 months of experiencing shutting down of the normal brain functionalities that I finally stood up on my own feet again. You know what, my mind then became maybe 10 times more active and aggressive than before. This change however brought me nothing but more suffering that happened a few years later, I began to wake up at around 3 to 4 am almost every night and could not fall back to sleep afterwards, my mind was so active when I was awake and I began to blame myself what I have done and not done and feel very fearful about all kinds of routine trivia about tomorrow, I was tortured by such symptoms continually for more than 5 years, if not longer. To me, the nightmares did not happen in my dreams, it always happened after I woke up from my dreams. Needless to say, I was devastated mentally and physically…….
About 4 years ago, I was advised by a fortune-teller to read Buddha’s teaching which would do me good according to him, he said my fate would be changed after studying that. Well, I did and I actually felt the resonance with the teachings in some ways. However, such enthusiasm didn’t last for long that I finally quitted after a few months, I was then thirsty for some other areas such as energy healing and all kinds of spiritual stuffs I could access on the internet for another few months. Without knowing why, something I and my family considered to be paranormal happened to me, I was kept in a state of a different perception and focus, for lack of better descriptions, for over a month. I do not wish to get into details of what happened during that period here because I know that is not important as that was simply a portal through which I began to walk another life path that is truly important to me.
Soon after that experience, I had become very enthusiastic in topics related to spirituality and the truth of life, I then began reading books & checking out websites to locate relevant teachings and materials I could possibly find. One of my favorite books then was “Conversations with God” which has truly inspired me, I felt so connected with what the books said on the soul level. During the past few years, I felt guided to sit quietly and write on forums and blogs sharing my knowing which was about ways to improve love relationship and be free of suffering based on the realization of the truth of life.
Today, I feel like I am always left with 2 choices in the roads ahead subject to the life situations I experience. I know I can always choose consciously to work with the ME on the mind level who handles the practical & time-related aspects of life such as remembering, calculating, planning, analytics etc., this ME is more like a friend with some handy skills who has reached an agreement with me to work together for the well being of “Both”. The other choice is simply the ME on the soul level who always prefers to anchored in the now moment where I felt my beingness is balanced and centered around an axle steadfastly affixed to the seabed, this state enables me to be in a state of peace, tranquility and balance. It is a state where I know for sure that is no fear, all kinds of life situations happen for a reason and purpose and they are simply what they are, rather than what the mind-driven me think they are.
Still until today, I do not know how to literally define the state I am in, what I do know is that, it’s actually not important to conceptualize that at all. Leave it the way it is is the best way to be. The fact is that I still keep moving back & forth between the two MEs for the sake of deeper experiencing of each and learning to make more conscious choice at any time. The mind-driven me seemed not always gain an upper hand to pull me to it’s side, or it would be quick for me to realize that I was pulled there unconsciously again that I could return to my preferred state of being through a conscious choice. It is an on-going process in life through which we know how to live more consciously and bath in the state of love, joy and peace which are only our very natures.
Welcome your share of thoughts about my experiences and perhaps let me hear yours, thank you.